Mom: So Andra, about the shower. It's *painful*, but...
Andra: Uhh...

John: Her head is fun to kiss. It's like kissing a peanut.

James: What is that play? Jesus of Escaragus?
Entire Table: Judas Iscariot?!?
James: Yeah. That...

This is all I heard
John: And then I would be cleaning egg yolk out of...where the good Lord split me.

John: (singing) 76 trombones in a bad, dark place...

John: I just kicked a ball of ice! A ball of ice and sin!!

John: Oo! Sodomy!

Ariel: That would have been the bullshi**iest of bullshi*s.

Ryan: We will lose! We will be such *colossal* losers!!

Ronn: Mama called 'em 'bump ba-dum bump bump bumps...'

We were talking about shoes...

Phinney (in reference to her dog chewing a bone): It's never going to all fit in your mouth, no matter how hard you try.
John: That's what she said....

All: {pause} *glance*glance* Ahhhh hahahahaha!

John: It's time to get na- HICCUP- KED!
Me and Phinney: AHHHH HAHAHAHAHA.

John: HICCUP- GAAAHHH!!

Poor dog

John, to Phinney's new dog

"Are you embarrassed? You should be! You're my age and you're shi**ing on the floor!!"

Mallory: "Hold on to your donuts!"

Thank you for being a friend

Von: It's sad that we only have one Golden Girl still living.
John: What do you mean?
Von: Rue McClanahan died today.
John: Which one is she?
Von: The one who played Blanche.
John: You mean the slut?
Me: *shakes head*

Matt: (Debut) I forgot to bring my kite!!!

Ronnie: Facebook makes my mouthwater.

Katie: The first thing I would think is "mermaid fin" and think it was some sort of vodka commercial.

Charlie: Why doesn't T9 have pimp in it?

Ariel: I bit her foot.

Austin: A centipede walks through the door with a top hat and orders 3 pink elephants. Ok, I'm alright with that!

DEH: (Out of nowhere) I used to have boobs.

Mallory: mmm, steamy and delicious. Just like I like my men.
Ariel: Better than ground up and in the freezer.
o_0

Rebecca: If that's the best he can come up with, he's going to meet a lot of problems in life that aren't my fist.

Rebecca: I like soup spoons. They're like little bowls.

Rebecca: I am the "she" in the "that's what she said" jokes.

Me: This is a deliciously bad idea.

Chris Thompson: Some of you could use to be more neurotic. If you need help as to how, come talk to me.

Nagel: Not a lemon was squeezed!!!

JBohrn: Woah, that was a thick one!

Crystal M-T: Microphones can NOT fix truthfulness and energy!!!

Nagel: ¡Español es una numero uno!
Mallory: Do you have ANY idea what you're saying?
Nagel: NOPE.

Dawson: My hair is seriously Adolf today. It's one tiny mustache away from wrecking my life.

JBohrn: Fish is like hummus, it takes my breath away.

Melissa: Patty "Sick"cox!
Mallory: Oookay...

Ariel: So, I... Ommmm...so, I...
Mallory: ahhhh hahaha!

Mallory: *gasp* What is Ezekiel bread? I've never heard of that!
Ariel: It's Jew bread!
Mallory: o_0

Austin: I don't menstrate every month, I just crush my balls every now and then.

JBohrn: No, it's spelled with a "K."
Austin: Ok, that's a little less douche baggery, but still watch out.

JBohrn: I exploded with love!

Kristen: Gee, why wasn't I cast as Patty Simcox?
JBohrn: Because Patty Simcox doesn't have down syndrome.

JBohrn: it's like putting a hotdog in an alleyway.

JBohrn: I only cried 4 times today and there's a rainbow.

Some quotes from our lovely Grease choreographer Melissa:

"Don't get spastic just because you're speeding it up!"

"You guys should look phenominal doing something this easy."

Chance (on the ride home from the T.C.):
If this is your forehead [points to forehead], is this your afterhead [points to back of head]?

Chance: (about my dog, post-neuter) I like how you're critiquing his ball sack...

Millie: I just wanna poke the mereingue.

JBohrn: So-low-moan...
Mallory: Solomon?
JBohrn: Oh.

Hillary: she can't be doing heroine!
Millie: she's not doing heroine! She's doing...PCP.
Hillary: Oh, PCP. Does that make you fat?
Millie: No, it makes you dance.

Nurse: What's wrong with your eye?!
JBohrn: It's a prosthetic.
Nurse: Oh. Ok. I got worried because it was droopy.

JBohrn: Goose. I'm swellin' up...

Life at U of I Theatre

Sitting in the hall at Shoup

John: What are you doing tonight?
Mandie: Pooping.

My lips bring all the boys to the yard...

Spencer (referring to his lips): My lips are so voluptuous! They must be nice to kiss...

Mallory: I am a curly haired girl stuck in a straight haired body.
DH: Me too!

Que Hora Es?

Me: What time is it?
Ariel: 7:27. ...Like a jet.

(This is via my dear friend Spencer.)
James Hockenberry: Scotch is the wood flavored jolly rancher

Skype

Spencer: I wish that my skin didn't die.

Spencer: Do fish get allergies?

Mallory: I win! I win! I win! It's like competing with a troll!!

Ariel: Mallory! Why are you dancing?
Mallory: Because I'm doing a jig!!

Mallory: How's your chicken Gollum?
Ariel: You ruins it!! ... RAAAAHHH!!!!

Mallory: I'm going to name all my children Cap. Cap 1, Cap 2, Bottle Cap...

Tyler: No! Where's the winner going?!

Random Reno Girl: "I think Jesus is who he says he is."

Austin N: It's weird. It's twilight zone pee.

Girl standing behind me at ACTF: I have a back up BJ just in case.

Austin N: You can't "dibs" the birthworm...

Austin N: Sometimes when I twitch, my legs twitch too. And they both go in at the same time and I crush my balls.

All men at the table: *cringe*

John Bagaglio: I do confess my fault; and... Oh balls!

SO random

From the kitchen, Ariel says:

"Sometimes I think, "Wow Ariel, you're weird!"

Austen A: You like all your friends so much that you want to give them all huge parts in a play called "All my friends do awesome things."

Jimmy: mangle, dangle, wangle...oo! Brownies!

DEH: Wait. This water has three lips...

Austin N: I'm a freaking computer over here! Double clicking all over the place...

John Bagaglio: I like assassinating other kingdom's princesses.

DEH: I don't like spicy chocolate. It offends my sensibilities.

Austen A: If anyone makes googly eyes in this play, I'll kill 'em.

Becca Hardy: I love it when Mallory laughs. It's like a tiny little pig heard my joke.

Megan Tyrrell: Oo! That tickled my bum!

?

Austin N: I can't tell the difference between religious and sexual. Ehhh, there's a problem.

Henry V rehearsal

Nym: WILL YOU SHOG OFF?!

DEH (as Quickly): ...no.

JBohrn: Woah! Holy Gnome!

I love bass trombones.

(this is a special request post)

While listening to the new Star Trek soundtrack in the car with DEH (I was making him listen to the bass trombone in the Nero Theme. Which rocks all of my socks and more)

Mallory: GAH! I need to go conquer Poland or something!!

Happy New Year!

So,

when I woke up this morning I found a cereal box on my bar with a bunch of writing on the back. Upon further inspection I realized that people had been writing quotes from the night on the cereal box. Some of them have names, some don't. All are very interesting.

"We found them having sex in the car and then I figured it's such a nice car..."
- Jimmy Johnson

"Optimus effing Prime baby, I feel like a million bucks!"
-Phoenix

J: You have no pants on!
C: Dude, I know...

J: This is vodka mixed with Champagne.
H: That sounds horrible. Let me have some.

"This is my party. Holy Crap." -Me