JD: If there was ever a spider covered in coconut, I think I'd die on the spot.

G'Ma: Mallory, who's that guy with the little mustache?
Me: Hitler?
G'Ma: No! The Singer!
Me: Little Richie?

Austin: Excuse me, I'm gonna go stir my genitals.

Mike: Don't touch me! Don't touch my skin!

Very accurate statement

**Happy Debut Mike!**

Mike: It's like you're a drunk driver in your own body.

Annon.: I've got to get good at this job so I can drink while I'm doing it.

Oh! Your banana is escaping!

Baking

Austin: (singing) Apple bottom things...

Wisdom of the Austin

Austin: An introductory story should be like a good dress. Long enough to cover the details but short enough to keep it interesting.

Austin: I am not leaving the country because you are upset about something!

Kid in TKAM: *GASP* Emmy cursed...

Austin: We're going to Tourette town!

Ariel: Look at your face!
Me: >_<

Austin: I'm a professional skydiver and I'm half velociraptor.

Me: It's how we recharge! It's like sticking batteries in a wall.

Me: My auto correct just tried to make "anonymous" into "ammonium pus." What is that about?!

Annon.: I was going to go to the grocery store, but I have herpes.

Roger: I'm flat out of hooming grabbits!

HULK put on shoes.

Jordan: If I just scream like the HULK, it'll go in.

Typical conversation

Austin: Ya'll F***ed now! The dwarf blew the horn!

All black suits are the same.

Ariel: Why is his profile picture a dog with darth vader on it? ... Oh, that's batman. It still doesn't make sense.

Ariel: Austin! You're the non-gendery bits here!!

Ray: no! It's because the beat feels better than my leg hurts.

Ariel: I had a break down over the penis.

Brigid: Does it always sound like that when you two high five?

Austin: And then Mallory got pregnant by sheer force of will.

Ariel: Quit screaming! You don't even have it in you!

Ariel: you have every ingredient for happiness.
Austin: which is mostly cinnamon.

Pam: Well, you LOOK like you would smell like milk...

Austin: (as a tick) BREAKFAST!!

Austin: Don't splash me with your burning evil!

Austin: what? Squishpikes? ... I mean ants...

Austin: Get your toes out of the pizza!
Mallory: I like pizza on my toes!
Ariel: Mmmm... Pizza toes...

Austin: purring waffles!

Rachael: It looks like it's all just freaky chairs...

Susan: That part of Canada is ridiculous.
Paul Canada: That part of Canada IS ridiculous.

Just to clarify

The retard, not the Canadian.

A little midnight mythology

Austin: Fact. Dionysus was the God of genital piercings.

Cameron explains it all....

Cameron: if John the Baptist were here, would he be in an Armani suit or a meat dress? ... He would be out in the woods, in a meat dress. Hair fallin out, just like Gaga!

Dinnertime

Austin: I can tell it's good if my eyes hurt while I'm cookin' it.

Twitching again

Austin: I just spat *up* my nose...

Life Lessons

Becky: If I flick it and it tinks, it doesn't go in the microwave.

Ain't no Shalom

Ari: "No. There's no Shalom in the home"

Ari's Confessional

Ari: I didn't stop eating. I just wasn't hungry. ..for three months.

He strikes again!

Me: Oh look! I got an email for "Penis growth promo!" That's nice.
Ari: You must be getting Nick's email...

Ari's Debut

Ari: In my subconscious I'm a military hero.

Then Heather walked In:
Ari: OMG! I was just gonna text you!
Heather: Shut up Ari.

Prod. Office: See the Fire Marshall. Be the Fire Marshall. I think, therefore I am the Fire Marshall.

Rich: You're her life preserver. You're her Linus blanket.

Our own little Production Eeyore

Mallory: Why are you watching Winnie The Pooh?
Nick: I love Winne The Pooh...

Ariel: Why are there hands on him?
Mallory: To cover his bits!

I'm going to buy a tour bus. A really nice one. Like one that the President would tour in. And I'll call it: Road Force One.

Ben: No. That guy definitely yelled "asshole." Not "tire."

Rocio: Don't argue with me in front of Jordan!

Teddy: That's some node you got there.

Meg: are you seducing my elbow?

Ben: Bottom is like the Squirtle of Shakespeare.

Teddy: That baby gets crunk!

Jordan: Oh my gosh! They can shoot their poo like a gun!

Meg: Can someone please analyze this and does it mean that I'm racist?

Teddy: Sunset PAAN cakehouse...? Or pancake house...
*cue entire van laughter*

Jasmine: It's not anorexia if you just stop eating.

Ben: Bam! BALLS! Bam! NIPPLES! Done.
Jasmine: It was cold...

Ben: Even puppets don't use umbrellas underwater!

Oh ben....

Ben: *singing* Use the zucchini like you mean it!

Jersey Shore

Jasmine: It's too early in the morning for domestic violence!

Teddy: She dare not touch the Oscar with her bare hands lest it melt under her fierceness.

Travis: NO. It's glitter he puts on to be fancy!

brAd's favorite quote: It's not exactly rocket surgery.

James: Come here. Let me use my teeth.

John: The One Weiner just went limp in my arms!

JBohrn: I am not in this department. That is all.

Ryan: That's a nipple! Did you *see* that?!

Mallory: We're like eunichs. You don't even know!

James: I have phenominal hat hair!