Jon Barker: The trick is getting past that... and still wanting to exist.

Josh: Like a Medusa beard of dicks?
Mal: ...Yes. Like a Medusa beard of dicks.

Desperate Times

Rob: I was just walking along, looking at the ground, la la la-- then this homeless guy, lookin like Beatlejuice, comes up and clocks me.

M: We can't keep shitting in the stove guys.

Dennis: Teasing it with weasels...

Jeremy: Next thing you know, you're a lustful cock monster.

Ariel: He's so tall...
B: And he's...square. It's like costuming SpongeBob. He's a giant rectangle.

Dad: The TSA likes to frisk me. Bunch of fruitcakes... (I never said he was politically correct. For the record)

Promise Land

Mallory: (reading off website) Epstein.... Goldberg....
Matt: No. Nope. Gentiles all around.

Dennis: Once you're an architect, you're always an architect. Like a marine.

Nostalgia

Fictional character: "Well, it's jello. And then it's crunchy! It's fun!"
Mallory: "No, that's a carrot in jello and you're a jackass."

Try it again!

Ariel: If you haven't gotten in there, you don't know what you're doing.

Boobs.

Chance, In reference to high schoolers: "They don't even know what boobs are."

'Murica

Emma: Hippy chocolate bars are the best. Just like freedom.

Aww...

Emma: That one looks wonky.
Mallory: You look wonky.
Emma: I know...

I love it when Matt makes it on here.

"It shouldn't get like that. You gotta take care of that, girl!"- meggles.

Car rides with Matt n' Mal

"Nozzles don't belong on douches." -m

Rocio's first waffle Wednesday

Rocio: You got a black waffle now! You gotta take care of that waffle!

Adriana's farewell breakfast

In an attempt to make Austin twitch.
Adriana: (out of no where) BREAKFAST!
Austin: GETPIE!!
Entire table: YES!!

Adriana: She looks like a man from Greenland.

**same convo, later**

Ariel: She's a but-her-face.
Mallory: She's a but-the-lower-half-of her face...

Courtesy of Rich Dionne's son, Jack:
Play that old man song! (what old man song?) I'm sixty and I know it!

Ohh! Itchy bubble hockey sticks!

Tommy: I have a terabyte of space on it.
Mallory: I dare you to fill that up Matthew Eggleton.
Matthew: Oh, I'll fill it up. Fill it up with foam and chocolate.

Ariel: I don't know if I just blow at the right time or if it really works.

Adriana: Lola pooped Ginger out...
Chance: To show her who's boss.

Paul Canada: You know what I don't understand? Spanish.

Andra: (to my niece) No. No biting.

Adriana: It smells like cat shi* here! (meaning NJ)

Mallory: That was a really gentle high five.
Austin: Well it has to be gentle when you're not wearing underwear!

Austin: So that means for every twelve partners you have, one of them should be the wrong gender.

Mal: I would have stopped at red flag number one.
Ariel: You would have stopped at yellow flag number half.
Austin: Austin Kavika doesn't stop for shit!!

Thompson: I almost pooped. It was so good.

Ariel: I didn't get the word out and then she bit a clove.

Pam: Except for licking vaginas.
(I have no idea what context this was in)

Matthew: It needs to be bigger and more firm. Unfortunately when you squeeze it it doesn't get harder.

Stephanie: I'm 100% Italian and you are very thin.

Ariel: You are licking your mustache. It has to stop.
Austin: I like it!

Morning at Muristeen

Austin: Oh, we have a huge centipede. ... It's bigger than my mustache. Bugs should not be bigger than my mustache!!

When is Lent over?

Ariel: The UK doesn't have a different day for Jesus' resurrection!!
Mal: They might. Smarmy Brits...
Austin: Australia has 3 Easters.
Us: What?!
Austin: IT'S YOUR CALENDAR!


Mallory: I just have to do the inbetweens.

Mal: We like to cover our insecurities and faults.
Ariel: With plates!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Austin: I'm going to make pashed mamatoes. ...mashed potatoes...

M&A: Hahahahahaha!

Echo....echo....echooo

Austin: I don't know why you don't listen to me when I talk.
Mallory: What?
Austin: I don't know why you don't listen... aww... :C

Happy Ides of March!

Austin: The snakes are honorable men...

Morning convos

Mallory: Everything leads to warm whipped cream.

Ariel: He's a boy and he war paints before chumming at home.

Meg: Why would you bite your own underwear?

Ariel: I want to let you know that I had to work really hard just now to not get hot mocha up my nose.

Ariel: Do not tell the cops to stop ruining your life!!

Mmm...

Austin: I smell like a hobo. I YEASTY hobo.

Matthew: I hope this interview is short. I gotta pee.

It's the simple things

We get more entertainment out of Ariel's OKC account than I can really explain or justify...

Ariel: I am trying so hard to keep this cookie in my mouth.

Mallory: I just want some gentle taco lovin. (in response to some dude's ridiculous screen name)

Yeah, girl. Juicy.

Austin: You guys juice the tourettes out of me!

Learning about New Jersey

Ariel: What's a HOPTACONG?
Mallory: A "Hoptacong" is a place. And I think it's Hopatcong...

Mike: A beard is like a sweater for your face.

Ariel: "You can milk anything with nipples."
Mike: All male things have nipples.
Ariel: Do you know what that comes from?
Mike: Chromosomes.

Ariel: I want to shove these things up my nose and smell them forever.

Gerry: "Are we in the lint belt? This house produces 8.3 percent more lent than any other house . . . "

Gerry: "You know what this room needs? More kitty litter."

And Heather's husband makes his debut!!
Gerry: "I'm sweeping with a sponge, you think life is grand for me right now?!"

He is inherently shady because he is from India.

Ariel: And then baby Jesus was in a car wreck!

Steve: it's a nappy kind of day.

Austin: My entire life just flashed....
Mallory: Between my legs!

Ariel: I'm going to let you swallow first.

Cowboy, Batman, whatever...

Ariel: Bruce Wayne is a cowboy right?
Austin: No.... Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Austin: She died in a blaze of irony.

Oh vanity...

Ariel: But you have a pretty smile!
Mallory (dark and creepy-like) prettier...

Pam: What's this for?
Ariel: It's for screwing.

Pam (to Austin): Oh wow! You are lovelier than Jake Wood!

Helen (to Ariel): You look like you could suck it up...

Helen: Why would that come out of someone's mouth?
Austin: Why would that go INTO someone's mouth?

Austin: it was either roll backwards, or slap Mallory.

I apologize in advance to those who this will definitely offend.
Mal: I like retards.
Ariel: They're easier to eat.

Steve: If you push me down the stairs, I will rise with a vengeance.