Mom: ...I use it to hammer my nuts...
Me: *stare* ahhhhh hahaha!

Dad: Nothing looks familiar.
Mallory: Well Dad, that's because everything looks the same.

Mallory: you stop it with your mexi-language.

Mallory: aw! It's got a weenie on top!

Austin: you're how the weekend starts!
Mallory: yeah I am!!!

Austen: I wake up with Obama wood every day.

Austen: My sleigh is red, rock hard, and full of reindeer.

Jbohrn: Do you have a q-tip? Because there's paint in my eye...

Stephanie Miller: The outer one is definitely a donut.

Rob Caisley: It's Chekhov! It's good for you!

Chris: I try to leave room for Jesus so Jesus feels my junk and not you.

Mallory: I need a donut.
Chance: Why do you need a donut?
Mallory: My character eats a donut.
Katie: you don't get to know unless you see the play.
Mallory: Oh! I mean.... I have no idea why I need a donut...

Sam: If I were rich, I would buy all sorts of ridiculous shit. I would have a castle with a moat and crocodiles that shoot lasers and bees out of their mouths.

Great Evening!

At dinner at JBohrn's house:
JBohrn's mom: What are you going to do when theatre goes 3D?!
JBorhn: MOM! Theatre IS in 3D!!

And later, as Chance goes for a Dew:
Chance: This fridge smells delicious!

I missed Chris this summer...

Just a few of me and Chris' quotes tonight:
Chris- "Oh, I thought you were coming over for my syrup..."
Mallory- "I was coming over for your man syrup..."
Chris-" Yyyyeeeeah! I missed you this summer!!"

Chris (to Robby)- "Did you just fart?!"
Mallory (responding because I could)- "Yeah, a little. .... Oh. Wait. Were you talking to me?"
Chris- "Ahhh hahaha!!"

Huh.

Mallory- This looks like a vagina. A giant, fiery vagina.

The usual Mallory and Chance morning conversation. Or I have a feeling it will be at least...
Mallory- I love vanilla coke! I'm so sad you can't find it anywhere anymore!
Chance- That's why you buy vanilla vodka...
Mallory- *shakes head*

Austen does it again!

Campfire conversation with Austen
"You're like the sexual equivalent of the cookie monster!"

Oops

Post Ariel sitting on the cat, I decided to articulate the cat's thoughts.
"Screw you guys, I'm not getting back up there. The other one sat on me!"

While me and Ariel are inviting people to her birthday via facebook
Mallory- It's too bad they don't have a "select all" button.
Ariel-I know.... Oh wait! They do! {points to "All" button}
Mallory- No, that's who you're looking at. Notice how the other option is "selected."
Ariel- ah hahahaha!! Don't make me pee!! I just sat down!

Welcome Home!

Whilst trying to decided who in my phone book gets what's ringtone on the new iPhone.

"Maybe my Dad needs disco..."

I need to update!!

This is an assortment of wonderful quotes from the last little bit of my life.

Niki- It's a butt cover! It's glorified underwear!

Mallory and Amanda waiting for Bertie to come onto the stage
Amanda- She's going to fly down out of the rafters!
Mallory - *strange dinosaur sound while making flapping motions with arms*
Amanda- I was thinking more like Mary Poppins. Not a pterodactyl.
Mallory- I was thinking pterodactyl...

Mallory- Doing blocking totally turns me on.

Oh It's a Cabaret

I was really frustrated during the Cabaret Tech...

Me: You will not vanquish me Cabaret!! I WILL have my date night...

BBQ at Kristin's!

Bobby said something snarky after Kristin gives him a desert cannoli.
Kristin retaliates.

Kristin: Who gave you that cannoli?! WHO GAVE YOU THAT CANNOLI?!?

She then proceeds to snatch the remaining portion of cannoli from Bobby's hand and stuff it in her mouth in less than a second.

Bobby: *stare*

Welcome Fisher!

I would like to announce Fisher's grand entrance onto the quote blog!

Kristin- Ok, no, really. I need to get into my blacks now...

Mallory- Psh, blacks? Blacks are overrated. What, do you think you're a stage manager or something?

Fisher- ...She just said Blacks are overrated...

Entire room (including two of our African American actors)- *Hysterical laughter*

A religious experience.

Me and Amanda talking about the differences between the LDS faith and Catholicism. Specifically the eucharist vs. the sacrament.

Me- ... well in the sacrament they use bread and water instead.
Amanda- Why don't they use wine?
Me- Because they don't drink wine.
Amanda. Ohhh. ...But I love those little crackers!
Me- *stare* ahhhhhahahahaha. You mean the body of Christ?

The Jersey Shore

Watching Taken with Jaimie, Bobby, Amanda, Kristin, and Fisher- commenting on one of the characters.

Me- She's dumb as a brick! She's a brick! A well-dressed brick!
Bobby- I'm making that my facebook status right now. *whips out iphone*

Oh, Facebook

While talking to Niki in our room about Facebook stalking

Me- I'm not stalking you. I'm just more interested in you than other people are.


Later...after Niki has made one of those "warm delights" brownies

Me- I'm amazed that 45 seconds can create that much bliss!
Niki- It's more like a minute

Welcome to New Jersey!

Two new quotes since I've arrived at my internship with the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey.

While walking home with the other SM interns from a late night performance of Midsummer's

Mallory: Are we talking about herpes or peanut butter?
Niki: Uhh....glitter...



The after-after party for The Little Foxes

Josh (Sarah's friend): He was at his destination before I ever realized he was behind me!
Me and Niki: *stare*

Robby's Debut!

i would like to Congratulate Robby on his first entry in the quote blog.

"It's not hot! Drag Queens are scary!!"

I wasn't aware that I had secret compartments and trap doors...

via www.textsfromlastnight.com

(513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Awww....

I think this is the sweetest thing a gay man has ever said to me!!

"Knock it off! If you had a penis I'd be ALL OVER YOU!"

What an odd day!

Hookay. So. Today was my flight back from D.C. I had a 3+ hour lay over in the JFK airport in NYC. I figured that it would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Whilst in the bathroom- here's what I hear:

Mom to little boy: Do you want to fly higher than the birds?
Little boy to Mom: NO! I WANT TO PEE ON YOUR HEAD!
Me: BAHHH HAHAHAHA
Mom: *Laughs* I'm so sorry...

*later that day*

I am now home, have settled down as much as possible and Matt has locked himself out of his apartment and is now at ours. Here's a snippet of our conversation:

Matt: I'm pondering soft balls...

HOoboy....

As I'm pulling out of our apartment parking lot
Me: Oo, crap. I'm still going backwards!

Ariel spots a goose across the road from the parking lot coming home.
Ariel:*points* Oh, look!
Mallory: Gander! Not like "look," but like...a goose...

Huh. Well.

Ariel on the phone with Katie, trying to find JD

Ariel: I have cupcakes for JD...
Mallory: And by cupcakes, she means sexual favors.
Ariel: ...JESUS, MALLORY!
Mallory: *hysterical laughter*

Hmmm...

Ariel yelling at the actors during her tech rehearsal

Ariel: You get back in there! I'm not done!

Chris: ...That's what she said...

Well, everyone has something I guess....

Cookie: You know why I'm scared of lizards? The way they feel on your skin....

---later that day---

Mallory: about Maui "Snorkel at Kapalua Beach and look for humuhumunukunukuapuaa."
Cookie: Are they hot?
Mallory: They're FISH!!

It's just not fair!!

Ariel: But you'll have a mustache? That should be interesting.
Dawson: Yes, let's say interesting.
Ariel: That'll be fun. Can I come by and tease you at work?
Dawson: As if I don't get a ton of shit there already...but you're welcome to join in.
Ariel: Like I said, you probably deserve it.
Dawson: No one deserves a mustache!!

Shows are so interesting...

During Neuron Down, upon Dustin's grand entrace in slurpee stained whitey tighties.

"He has a blue penis! He has a smurf penis!!"
-Compliments of Chris Mueller and our ever-entertaining booth conversation

New Works One Response:
"You have to raise the 'bitch' bar."

Confusion plagues Moscow roommates

Ariel: Wow! That was incredibly fast!
Mallory: What was?
Ariel: The making of this brownie!
Mallory: That's a waffle...

Smells like...

Jessica Rice on U of I's Spring Break Trip to Ashland, OR.

-Mall in Portland, OR. On the escalator.

"I hate the smell of balls...."

That's what she said

It's stuff like this that makes me love tech work days. :)

Ariel: "There's one that goes up the Vom..."
DEH: "That's what she said..."

Diane: "It would be nice to have some transition music in case one of them gets stuck in a button."
DEH: "That's what she said."

Ariel: "Chris says it all the time and he just gets lucky sometimes."
DEH: "Chris never gets lucky..."

HIGH FIVE DEH. HIGH FIVE.

It's just too freaking crazy.

Ariel: "...and I put the muffin in the thing..." looks towards the bathroom
Ronnie: "Are you delerious??"


During costume design, Me and Chris Mueller

Me: "I'm going to kill you in your sleep."
Chris: "I'm looking forward to it."
Me: "...But I'm going to do things to you first."
Chris: *pause* "I'm strangely aroused..."

Just an update!

Painting the stage for New Works:
Mary: What do you need me to do?
Chelsie: I need you to go help Chris with his penis.


Everyday Mallory and Ariel conversation:
She was reading something of off Facebook to me.

Ariel: ...and that's what canned ham says and I believe it.
Mallory: what?!?
Ariel:...and that's what Ken Ham says and I believe it?
Mallory: OH. Ok. I was confused.

Using our heads.

Via New Works One, Neuron Down rehearsals...

"I didn't even think about your f-ing penis!"
- Angela Vogel

"It's like a f-ing puzzle. I HATE puzzles!!"
-Austin Nichols

Good point.

Discussing one of the many scents of Bath and Body Works' fragrances:

Austen: "See, rocks don't have a smell..."

Oh, we're warmed up....

From a video that Carol Bushbaker posted on Facebook:

Beyonce Back-Up Dancer #1: Oh, we're warmed up.

Beyonce Back-Up Dancer #2: Yeah, we're warmed up like biscuits.

Justin Timberlake: Yeah- dance biscuits...

**Note, all of this was said with a rather flamboyant lisp.

Congratulations Austen!

...For making it into the quote blog 3 times in one week! Twice in one day! Anyway, both of these are from our ever so eloquent Austen Anderson.

"The thing with otter pops is that they're so small that when you finish one, you're just getting warmed up to the idea that you're eating something!"

"For God's sake, don't say the next two lines!"

Talking in circles

Me and ariel talking about the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival:

Me: I'm so excited! My friends from band are coming into town tomorrow!
Ariel: Are you going to see them?
Me: yyyyeeeeeaaahhh....?
Ariel: You don't sound so sure about that.
Me: Well, they....*starts typing something* I think they're coming in around 9 tomorrow.
Ariel: I know, are you going to see them tomorrow?
Mallory: Yeeeahhh...?
Ariel: Again, you don't sound so sure about that...
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Ariel: Did that just happen?
*more hysterical laughter and making circle motions with our hands*

I think I need to rethink my major...

Sher Warren (Ariel's mom) She's the Director of the TRIO Programs at LCCC.

"Ok. Let's do the Cooter Career Exploration."


Jessica Rice, New Works Rehearsal

"No, she means cover your boner with the helmet!"

I really do like theatre history....

Austen Anderson

-"I wish I had a magnetized butt..."

Making up new words

Me at New Works Rehearsal-
"Sir? Sir, your junk is bulgerizing..."

A today's quote is...

Annonymous. I have decided to withhold the name of our quoted source today. Mostly because they asked me to. and I'm a nice person.

"I have cooter stubble..."


AWKWARD.
:?

In the beginning...

This started with my facebook. And then I ran out of room for all of my awesome quotes. So here is everything I had on there and from here on out updates shall ensue!! :)

"But all I hear is- 'Blah blah blah, m'lord.'"- Rabogo

"HEY! Maybe if you keep pointing at the lights, they will magically turn on...JUST for you..."-me

*Joey walks up and hands me a protein bar that says "Karma" on it.* -That's for you.
"ohhhhh dear...."-me

"you now who cas 2 thums and is hurnk me."
- A slightly more relaxed than normal mojoe.

"Look! A Big Yellow Rock!"-me
"you're a big yellow rock..."- Dylan

"It's like that Angelina Jolie movie...I WAS Angelina Jolie!!"-me

"Oh good- John is Athena!" -Rabogo

"Stop with the cold and the business!" -Ariel. Also get points for probably the best quote ever.

** Pre Rent load-out conversation**
"I'm full of chicken nuggets."-Me
"I'm full of love." -Adam
"No you're not!"-me
"Nope. I'm full of hate. Hate and burritos."-Adam

"Party,drink,sex, rampid, wild!!!"
-Tyler and his description of mormon girls who finally experience freedom from their parents. This being said, we were in Utah. And yes, he said "rampid"- not "rampant."

"You can hut it all the way to f-ing canada!!" -Lauren and the best bus hut ever.

In a game of Blurt at Joe's house:
Me- "Who has balls anymore??"
Cam- "...I do..."

"So are we saying that *urine* is a special effect here...?" - Rob Caisley

" I would not burgle a turd. ....ever." - Rose Kinne

"You have to follow the Pope because he has the bat-phone to God!!"
**and later in the same class...**
" And then King Henry the VIII said 'NOPE'."- Rob Caisley

" It smells like warm cat..."-Ariel

"oh no- the keg is out!! QUICK! To the 'Frat Phone!!"
- me, office depot headset conversation

"Let's go get Knocked Up! ... I mean the movie!" -Ariel. I pretty much stopped dead in my tracks on this one.

Me: "We'll have a girl's night. Bust out the cucumbers!!"
Ashley and Ariel- Hysterical laughter
Me: "you know, to put over your ey...what?"

Me to Ariel: "I'm going to get you drunk and feed you cookies more often."

Shop Talk: Me- "They're gonna sweep your MOM!" *pause* "woo, that gives a new meaning to chimney sweep..."

DEH- "W-W-W-W-WH-WHA-W-W-WH-W-W- WHAT?"

Me- "Put that in your pope and smike it!!"

Me- "My hand would NOT get out of the way! ....So I sat on
it."